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nothings&everything
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
so, we shared our ups and downs today, but the laughs were many. sure i may not be your best friend (don't feel bad) but you're one of minee ! after all you're my barney ;) memorable jokes today: terrorist fireworks.
Well, thats abt it, although we did laugh heaps .. abt other random stuffs. glad you liked my cooking ! pahaha.
I'm proud of yu for standing up to your friends. don't feel bad yerh? & sorry if you're bitsy pissed that i told yu, but i wouldn't have been able to face your friends again.. was i being selfish?
even though yu were here most of the arvo, i actually thought alot today.. about random things...
hhmm... julie & i were on the phone, and i realised that people never refer to me by my name.. even teachers ):
i proceeded to think that my name is the onlyy thing that my dad actually ever purely gave me.. i mean how can someone do that? sure he had his separate life, but then he chose to completely remove me from it..
a new year, a new start, a new life, a new beginning? its not that easy.
honestly, i know everything probably everything happens for a reason, and that i've accepted everything in the past and shit, but i just wish sometimes things were different.
everyone seems to have a new years list so here's mine?
*i like to be happy, smile genuinely.
*i want to make my mum&sister&friends happy.
thinking of that makes me fulfilled somehow. sure i'd like new clothes and shiz but that i can work on later right? some things can be replaced others can't.
well, before i go, i guesses i'll just make note of two thoughts today.
I'd like to go with the flow, but when i do.. its like overwhelming. You know when you're letting the current carry you, but suddenly a big wave just crashes down on top of you and you feel so suffocated and in that split second, its like you don't know what to do. you just hold your breath waiting, wishing for the worse to be over and done with. For me, life is somewhat like that. Sure sometimes it can feel so good and carefree, but then i just feel so suffocated and tired. In the middle of that i just want to let go and give up, but i can't. I'm straining myself more than if i had chosen to resist the flow in the first place.
So what should i do? let it be or try and make things better in the first place.. i don't know..
You would think that it'd be harder to pretend everything was&is okay.
But life can prove you otherwise.
You can't really walk round crying everywhere,
nor can you go crying to everyone.
so right now, i just wanna say i'm happy. yes. i am happy.
one of these days, who knows i might believe myself.
better enough it'll become reality (:
Where did we go wrong, tell me whats going on, why so many changes...
so yesterday wasn't my best night... sorry for making you worry.. i think after our talk and mum prying on me and shit, i just wasn't in the mood.
LOVE.
We want it even though we're always so hurt by it.
we need it, although it'll undoubtedly hurt us.
Yesterday night, after you left he talked to me. well mainly about the issue that he was dissing westies, in which he proceeded to to argue back that he was more west. THAT WASN'T MY POINT.
his a gronk and bitch and i'd prefer it if i didn't hafto speak to him again. makes me feel bad and shit now..
then i missus anty cause yerh... so i read the email. and then i remembered why i fell for him. so i reread his texts and i was like shit.
you know it seems so stupid and all,but he knows. And maybe the only reason i want to keep him is to keep the secrets that i've kept so long..
maybe i just want to care for him the way he cared for me.
maybe i just like the idea of him, like an ideal guy like him.
but you hafto read the things one day.. idk maybe his friends and shit are right, he's jst a guy whose good with words.. or a playboy.
i slept okay, waking periodically for short moments throughout the night, but my music was on to comfort me so it was pretty okay..
doing nothing today, hope youre still coming down.
Know that at the end of every storm, there is a rainbow && that at the end of everyday, I'll always be there for you, my best friend
thankshunny, hope your having sweet dreams.. of us right now.. BUAHAHAH. <3
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
SOOO, we had the bbq today! it was very fun overall. we ate and then truth or dare and then just kinda lounged around. can't believe that i didn't get to go on the swing .. :(
okays, so i know i have this weird thing for swings, but i just love the feeling! like my first ideal date would be at a park one prettyful night...
but back to the bbq, can't believe he actually came.. he's okay. not my sorta guy... i like him but just not in that way.. idk, i just don't feel ready. i'm scared still. of what... ? i don't really knows.. alots happened. idk if its the physical intimacy or the fact of Anty.. can you believe it? i still think of him
but cyeahhh. bbq.. so alot of things happened. man truth or dare? BAHAH. no. hate yu melanie. T____T"
mmmm, about your blog. lalalala, since when did yu get so poetic. ahahaha, i could fall in love with you if you suddenly lost your boobs and grew balls :P
well, maybe you are right, honey through time everything will fall back into place, so don't stress too much. like, they'll both get the ppoint and how yu truly feel, whats meant to be is meanto be so just follow your heart and go with the flow. good luck with everything and may the new year for yu be filled with much love.
x
Monday, December 28, 2009
shit. that kinda sums up the day so far and its 10am? i had the WORSE sleep. i went to bed after 11. didn't manage to properly fall alseep till 1am. woke up sweating and so suffocated, so i decided to turn the fans on. about an hour later i wake up shivering and my nose running. i seem to be okays nows though..
no not really. woke up the the rain outside. thats shit bruhh, as much as i hate heat i can't stand clouds and rain. they make me feel all dopey.
As i manage to linger between sleep and wake, i am disturbed by my mums voice, on the phone with the guy arguing about shit knows what. and its been an hour, theyre not even finished. So it kind aputs me in a position idk what to do, tried going in to comfort her, she told me to get out. so i'm on the computer, again.
Pisses me off man, i'm not up for shit when everything just seeemed fine again. that fcken son of a btch, after all i had to put up with and shit you think he'd be able to stay aorund a couple of years and make my mum happy. even though he's acting as a 46yr old single parent no job going to tafe. i LET THEM BE. i knew he wasn't the type to make her happy, he won't be able to sweep her off her feet, nor get her flowers now and then or any type of that shit. HE packs up and leaves her all alone. and i'm not u[p for it after all the shit i've been through this year. all thosenights fcken overdosing and crying and shit. and when i finally get over it and fuck what not. he decides to leave her. running away to melbourne. so whats gonna happen to my mum?
shes lonely again, she's waiting. i just want her to be happy. and i feel even shitter cause as a daughter i haven't been able to say anything. seriously FML.
im not in the mood for anything and al i feel like doing is staying in bed and crying. for what? who knows anymore.
thats what my lifes ever been about. everything something remotely seems okay or getting better, a storm comes through and washes it away.
make me smile?
Saturday, December 26, 2009
would you believe me if i told you i didn't want it?that i still don't?
that i'm so scared right now?
but for a moment he made me forget,
he made me feel okay again,
and maybe, just maybe that's enough,
because he made me smile.
So, its over. Another christmas has gone by.
TO explain how i feel?
Well, its like when you laugh so hard and then, suddenly its over- and you realise thatits gone then theres an empty pit at the bottom of your tummy?
kay, that didn't really make sense.
Well its over now and for a while, it was good you know? I mean i like spending my time up at aunty anna's.
Everythings so laid back, && it feels comfortable, scary enough, sometimes more comfortable than at home.. Well, now that we're back home, everyday routines seem to fall back into place, I'm left to manage my mums temper and well expectations and all..
Well, i will live up to them, after all that we have been through this year, i just want to me her happy- the little things that i know i am capable of. But i'm scared.. mum isn't someone that i know anymore. She has the shortest temper ever now, and she just expects everything to go her way, she wants me to go to bed by 10 for goodness sake. I'm 15 and its holidays though... I'm scared.. shes getting old. she doesn't even try to look pretty anymore..
But then people are right about remembering people when they look the prettiest. I can't expect mum to always look so young and etc..
So hunny, whats wrong? I'm sorrry i can't be there for you always.. Don't smile when you don't mean it.. I hate it when you do and shits and yerh.. i don't mind if you get aggro at me.. sure we'll have out little fights but then i'd understand and we could laugh about it down the tracks ? If you ever feel like a cry, come to me? I'll lend you my shoulder, i'll listen to your words and i'll hold your hand till we get through that rough patch.. Just don't do it alone.. Even if you go to someone else, anyne else. just don't do it alone.
well this morning, i've ben having lots of thoughts.. i just don't know where to start anymore..
soo much, too much is going on.
tell me, do i want it?
do i need it?
maybe elena was right: am i really that desperate? do you think. at first i was trying to push it away. but now i'm thinking to myself what it is in me that drew that attention to myself in the first place? Maybe i should be selfish this once and just grab hold of this something new and push away the old.
but i know for sure, that this one is really really bad.. if i fall, i will get hurt.
but right now, i'm sik about alot of things. and i guess i just wanna ,rebel.
so how was your christmas?
mr bear.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
so watching how i met your mother with mr bear. how romantic not. ahahawells, me & julie were on the phone this morning talking about shits and this is what we decided based on my new addiction:
how i met your mother.
i be ted.
mel's my wing
julies my best friend marshall
anthony's my old lover robin
well its 3 already. spent a day doing nothing again.
i wonder what my talent is.. i really want to be good ast something you know, like anything...
---
LOL, well its 10.30ish noww. and guess what. ended up having a great day
full of laughs i swear
me&&
love you butthole, hoping that xmas this year for you goes well! && may santa grant your wishes
xx
all i want for christmas is you (?)
So made it past the week with almost no troubles. Job well doneee (:I was so worried about monday.. Time passed slowly but everythings okay now... and in a way i'm glad its over, all to do now is pray that nothing like that will ever, ever happen again. (:
Tuesday was a get together with my girls they are a sweet bunch && we had a good time despite rough patches ehehe. Didn't do much we just talked watched slumdog millionaire (its so sad! well not really but kinda you get me? LOL well it has a sorta happy ending, was happy i didn't watch it alone thoughs)
Wednesday, yesterday was a day full of phone calls i swear. HAHA wouldn't be talking, elena called me bout four times.
But mel came down and yerh we talked about random stuffs.. ahah like we always do, and i had fun (:
like, it just felt good being with her again after a long time. feels like ages since we've just joke and stuffs.
well, LOL about how we joked about janus and yerh .. *coughscoughs*
i really didn't know what i was heading for did i? i'm just so scared. like, i know its nothing serious, but i thought of anthony.. wonder how i actually feel about him... julie said something to me:
you either love them forever, or feel nothing at all.
Maybe it was something else i felt? well anyways shall i tell the whole story? far out like some drama.. ahah
well at first i was really embarrassed that he was a guy, not a girl :/
i know, i'm fail haha. but yerh added him on fb then he insisted on msn. so after talking for a while, he wanted me to make it up to him. i asked how and the questions popped: "go on a date with me"
yerh.. i was really shocked. didn't know what to do so called for mels help ;D
thanks hunny for always being there for meeee.
looking forward to tuesday? to be honest not really, like i said to him, i'm not who i seem.. i'm afraid that im not those things he said.
i'm not hot, funny, interesting and stuffs.. he know sonly half of me.. its gonna be disappointing..
on the other hand he looks realy good looking.. haha !
on another note, don't know whats wrong with my bummies but somehow feel really out of touch with them, with you.. whats wrong? it hurts ti know that i know somethings wrong, but i can't help.. what am i suppose to say when reality has already spoken?
&& hunny, yes to you, never feel alone.. i may not know exactly how you feel but i relate.. nothings gonna change between us yerh? no matter who comes and goes,, ily.
also, this christmas i think is gonna end up being a quiet one.. mum and i aren't doing much, then i think plans with my aunt are cancelled. only aunty anna is left and its a dressup.
so tinkerbell here i come ;)
hmm, theres so many people i wanna see.. someday yerh..?
Well, as the year ends, i'm wishing all you more happiness and laughter. my love is always with you.
i promise never to let you's go, or at least try my best!
lovesyu, smile ?
x
well at first i was really embarrassed that he was a guy, not a girl :/
i know, i'm fail haha. but yerh added him on fb then he insisted on msn. so after talking for a while, he wanted me to make it up to him. i asked how and the questions popped: "go on a date with me"
yerh.. i was really shocked. didn't know what to do so called for mels help ;D
thanks hunny for always being there for meeee.
looking forward to tuesday? to be honest not really, like i said to him, i'm not who i seem.. i'm afraid that im not those things he said.
i'm not hot, funny, interesting and stuffs.. he know sonly half of me.. its gonna be disappointing..
on the other hand he looks realy good looking.. haha !
on another note, don't know whats wrong with my bummies but somehow feel really out of touch with them, with you.. whats wrong? it hurts ti know that i know somethings wrong, but i can't help.. what am i suppose to say when reality has already spoken?
&& hunny, yes to you, never feel alone.. i may not know exactly how you feel but i relate.. nothings gonna change between us yerh? no matter who comes and goes,, ily.
also, this christmas i think is gonna end up being a quiet one.. mum and i aren't doing much, then i think plans with my aunt are cancelled. only aunty anna is left and its a dressup.
so tinkerbell here i come ;)
hmm, theres so many people i wanna see.. someday yerh..?
Well, as the year ends, i'm wishing all you more happiness and laughter. my love is always with you.
i promise never to let you's go, or at least try my best!
lovesyu, smile ?
x
hope ?
Friday, December 18, 2009
hmm, a few things happened this week... but i guess all in all it hasn't been such a bad week. Monday was Hong's outing before she left for vietnam the next day.
Gonna miss her. Well abt 40ish more days. haha. hope shes having fun.
But anyways, that day was just out to livo, watch Where the Wild things are
its sad & very meaningful. well, i cried.. haha
OHOH ! did i mention got my SC results back ! i'm so happy! && i think made mum happy too so it was good (:
Tuesday was a really tiring day.. well can't really say more than that... that sentece sums it all up..
my fears were somewhat true.. bbut it will get better you know?!
like, after next monday, things should be finee... still scared though. i mean who wouldn't be.. and i feel so bad for notbeing the person i could, not being as there and encouraging as i can be... but what she doesn't know is if i pay the slightest attention, if i let my gaur down slightly, i'm so scared that i'm going to crack and break..
ut things will be fine..
and this time i'm actually proud cause in some ways, i'm finding myself...
i know it maybe stupid to keep things to myself and whatnot, not to be hypocritical to those who i say its better to speak out.. but i think its what i need right now, abit of time to myself. whether it be filled with distractions or reflections..
Wednesday, Elenas belated party to bondi. It was good fun. A day out with the girls. shame none of the guys were decent LOL. well, i know what im getting elena just can't really get it yet.. need to go all the way to china town brahhh. LOL, well it shal get to her evntually. the day was good BESIDES the fact i got sunburnt :(
and its still hurts today. its like red and im so tann. and like i never realised i am like really really pale. haha
sucks man. oh well hopefully itll peel or fade :S
Thursday was at home, and spents hours o nthe phone with julie then elena. hahaha x)
Friday, today. Home again. Mums out with sis so i'm just planning to photshop a few photos for ym wall and then to practice for my L's. maybe i can get them soon ;)
Weekend? Double shift. saturday and sunday. really need the money for monday... Well its for the better. Hopefully i can get through it and wont be that tired..
That is all i guess..
If you read.. thankyou?
ahah, just my littel thoughts and blabberish.
take care all.
hope happiness finds you (:
Monday, December 14, 2009
what will happen?
if i wish for the best, for the better: will it happen?
i'm not ready, honestly i'm not.
&& right now, i just wish you were here with me...
so, i don't know. i just felt like i had to post. but not abt whats been happening or anything.
i just wanted to say:
i really miss you.
well indirectly to anyone and everyone. theres just so many people i miss right now and i wish they were right here, or i could be right there back then.
i wish i hadn't changed, and nothing and everything else had.
i wish i still had those people in my life, but for thsoe who i still have, i hope thigns stay that way.
I love you, and i always will; all.
x
ONE.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Last post for the day. Sorry for my moodiness. MEL. all your fault. ahaha. well this afternoon with mel gone & everyone else resting from yesterday.. I had nothing to do so decided to go through my photos.
Gawsh. so many of them! like random things, because at one stage, i "thought" i was maybe possibly something more. But like i said it was just a thought.
But yerh.. so i decided. .TO DO A PHOTOSPAM!
but i'm too tired&nets too slow.
kekes maybe tomorrow.
so, 2009 nearly over. everyone ready?
I'm definitely not.
TWO.
Had our formal last night! It was FUN+AWESOME!
Dance our hearts out too!
Twas gooood!
I was a bit chyeah though.. LOL
it is a side of me that is particularly unknown.
lol, NONETHELESS;
Morning woke up, and i was so not bothered! i was kinda bleh.. but yerh did my legs and showered! then like found out i had my periods. well not found out but yerh (><). Julie came over! Then so did mel! :)
We did our hair and makeup it was slow progress and my bad wanted to fix my makeup so we ran late! well technically not late, just not stickking to the time plan.
Well, we picked mary up but found out she was getting ready at hogns, so basicaly, we were first to finish getting ready. AHAH talk abt being prepared.
So got to hongs and yerh, mucked around and shiz. By the time everyone was ready twas 6. and we got afew photos and left!
We were fashionably on time, and it kinda started at 7.30
The entree && main course was urghh. But the dessert was sososo nicee. Most of the night was then dancing ;)
&& guess what ... i HAVE SUCH BLAD BLISTERS. :(
but then wish it lasted longer..
hmm. our sivler taxi cameee ;)
it was cute! ahah. yerh cath stayed over and we talked abit. then she slept but i didn't go bed till 2.30
Next morning i woke at 7.30 ; i couldn't sleeeep. yes i am feeling very tired atm.
She went home at 12ish todayy.
&& mel called me ups. we talked for abit and yerh. then after she got ready, she came down.
she. was. HOT !!
<3
dayumm, snap. i'd turn gay for you ;)
ahaha. s'all good!
hope yu have fun tonight hunny !
x
THREE.
So, a day before i found out, i was at work experience.That particular day, we were assigned to watch Jo dissect some gala's to remove its crop and contents in order to identify the reason of death.
At that moment, don't ask me why i got so scared. No i didn't gag or anything like girls would do. Instead i was scared. I feared. I fear death. And truth in truth I'm so scared right now of the possibilities that would lead to that end. To our end.
I thought to myself: where do we go? what happens to our thoughts, feelings. But most importantly what will simply happen to us? Will we live on in another world, in others memories?
Maybe thats why i stopped my clock. At no time in particular some middle of the night a while back..
I just don't want time to run out on me.. I wanted that moment and every moment to last..
idk what i'm rambling abt.. i just need to get my mind of shiet.
But its hard. esp when i dreamt of her.. yerh...
Nowhere (8)
Sunday, December 6, 2009
hmm so its been bout a week? i guess in some sorts alot has happened. last week was iffy. i guess had my ups and downs. school was a bludge. just a series of workshops and bother.some people make me wonder though, why exactly are we friends? issit because we hate change, convenience or is it truly something more? who klnows, but i hope i am making the right friends.
i got my report back.. i reckon i did okayyy. better than halfies. But my mum doesnt think so. she never does. she jsut wants to compare me to maryy. *sighsigh,
well i just gotta let her be. its pissing me off though. i'm not amry., i'm not the perfect daughter. live with it.
honestly, i know i'm not the best, but i;m not the worst.. i jsut don;t understand why she can;t be happy of who i am and be more encuraging.
Saturday, i had viet school excursion to fish market.. LOL. and caps x)
twas fun. esp fitting 13 ppl into a booth. hadhad funn.
ken is cute :L
what to say. i learnt abt bargaining..? walk away .. theyll call you back. ahaha
our teacher is funny though. hope we get him next year.
lvoelovelvoe my classmates... well not really. i think i dont really fit in but mehhhh
work today, it was tiring, i guess i didn't sleep enough yesterday. i should sleep earlierr. :s
i'll tryy. i'm so happy i got the job though! && hope i do better... i kinda really need the money though.
to you, because thats how i always address yu... i wonder if yu even pay attentio nto these little scrambles..
hmm. .what can i say.. well firstly, i guess i don't know if that was to me or not. i wonder if it was but it didn't really make sense...
if so, wonce again i;m asking yu what did i do? after all i haven't been talking to you for the last few weeks.. what could i possibly have said abt yu and top whom.. i'm confused.
yes maybe im jsut dumb and ashit but idk.. it frustrates me that we haven't been talking..
i'm so sorry though..
sorry more than yu can imagine, all for my very own reasons..
this morning, i'm sorry...
i wanted to hug yu, and tell yu i missed yu so much, that its been too long..
i wanted to hold your hand, and tell yu to let it go, but don't worry i'll be there to hel pyu..
i wanted you to tell me... whats wrong? whats bothering yu...
i'm so worried abt yu.. looking out onto your balcony sets a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. youre so close, yet so far away...
hmm... well.. honestly, what happened to us, i hope that the answer is nothing, and all this was simply a phase...
ily. xx
open up?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
right now. there's a weird feeling at the pit of my stomach. Its weird idk. or maybe i do know but i'm trying to lie to myself..
its a mix of guilt and yeah...
so we just got a phone call.
the guy and his daughter are moving to melbourne. yet why do i feel so sad.
my mum was laughing about it. but i wonder if she's sad.
and i feel bad. cause i know in one way or another i screwed it up for her again.
I'm the reason that she won't pack up and leave..
i feel so shit right now.
i don't know who to go to.
so much has happened and far out.
i just can't help it, but no matter how much people offer. i just can't seem to open up.
why do i feel so shit?
once i asked her if she wanted to go to melbourne, she asked me if i wanted her to go.
honestly, i don't who would want their mother to leave them, but if letting her go would make her happy.
i'd lie to both of us saying i hate her just to grant her that bit more of happiness.