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Sunday, November 29, 2009
so just a little longer until i go to bed. hmmm. didn't do much yesterday, just lounge around and felt kinda shats yesterday night. Don't ask me why, like always idk.
so change my facebook stat saying smile & sweet dreams, hoping to fool no other but myself.
ohh wells.
today, woke up rather late, well for me that is. just showered, ate then went to aunts. i needed something to wear to liz's party. ended up borrowing a black belt to go with my heels. i wore my sleepshirt.. LOL. ;D
so then headed to 2nd job trial, i think it went alright.. idk. prob won't get it. don't want to get my hopes high then get disappointed T.T"
met angie! she's really nice (:
hmm. but to yu, maybe i'm over thinking again...
what happened to us? there seems to be something there..
&, i guess i'm sorry, but overtime... yes maybe just let a little time pass.
theen had to rush to liz's. i was late and yerrr.
i was so hungryyy. i PIGGED so much. yu guys would kill mee. cause i kinda binge ate again ahahha. ANYWAYS.
we forwarded out to the front and had a water fight ;D
lucky i had my boardies and shats. it was LOL. very fun indeed. i got soaked. i had to go braless after T.T ahhahaha.
then we ate. more.. :L
went in and luvo'd. then had cake which was AWESOME since her dadsumm a cake maker. ahahah. :L monia had to go, so ngan, mary helen and i walked her home. i did the mistake of wearing my heeels. eyyyah. 'tis was fun till we decided to walk in the middle of the raod, a car came, and my heel got caught in my strap cos i was too lazy to do it up before... i learnt my lesson T.T but nothing happened! only afew scratches. ANYWAYYY. when were nearly back at liz's. a group of btown guys drove past T.T must i say more? WTF is danny? (recognised by ngan) and i hope neville wasnt in the car T.T i would get uterly killed if mummy knew :/)
back to the house we ate again LOL.
i got dared fanta and sushi soy sauce. NEVER EVER try it. 'tis was horrible :L
lalala. what else happened. nothing much. we dirty danced me and angela again i guess.. ahahah.
*sighhh. off the topic though. i wonder if i actually dress like i ask for it or something. or like mary implies shit to me. but yerh. guess ican't do anything, its me and yerhh.
hope i get to see yu soon... i'm scared but yeahh...
Friday, November 27, 2009
last day of work exp :(
Sometimes boring, but none the less fun ! okay well more like Matt & Brad.. ahaha and who could forget Michael!
Michael is a dopey kinda guy and he's like LOl cause half the time he didn't know what elena && i were going about.
Brad is HOTHOTHOT. and he has BLUE ocean eyes and an unforgettable smile. Definitely the type to make yu swoon.
Matt. I guess. I don't know. Spent most our time with him! and we sure did have fun!
he's 25 and married! how young is that?! and his proposal was ssooooo cute! he didn't finish telling us the story though :(
&& tsktsk. i wouldve gotten my piggy back ride! except i was wearing a dress T.T""
A shoutout to him though, & a very big sorry for the nuisance.
But around him, my old self actually came out. This past week i was SPED. ahahahah.
we had heaps of fun ;D
like, we had a water fight bruh! andand like LOL i gave him the finger while scratching my head, and he did it back, but he got caught, i LOLed hard at that. and who could forget the many post-it notes i dedicated to him! LOL. he hated them and recycled them all -.- ahahahah. oh besides our last one. what else...
LOL the frown and glances in the lift! ahaha. and yerh, i get cold easily too. he thought i was freak T.T"
he was a nice chap (:
hmm... but i guess shit is endlessly happening, and i can change my mod in seconds. So, today I came early and kinda had to go in to fridge the cake (it looked so chat, but i think they liked it...) So I started the morning with matt! he wet my hair :( LOL idm although i still chucked a fit at him and secluded myself in the corridor intil he went lookiong for me. Then i got tired fast so i sat down and he was just staring at me (oO?) he asked if i was sad.
*sighhh.
right no i'm cussing and swearing at myself. i'm telling myself no over and over again. but issit helping? no.. not really, my thoughts keep coming round and round.
Julie is right, and i guess i'm hurt. i hurt myself this time round. i never liked anthony, i just like the idea of how he is towards me, likewise with matt.
BUTT, we got kinda close to matt ayeee?
LOL we bitched hardcore at the end of work to him!
well reality hurts, the other guys were
A) dirty minded
B) pervs.
and i told him HMPHH.
well, yesterday me and elena were bored.. like per usual. we asked jimmy & brad if they brought anything for us to play. their reply: "is that suppose to be naughty?"
and then today i was sitting in matts office, and elena&matt were there, his boss walked ppassed and full stared at me (glass windows). eeyahh
*sighh.
i wonder if i just bring it upon myself..
but anyways.
i guess thats kinda really all..
idk how i feel and i yerr..
i guess all i have too say to everyone is i'm sorry.
sorry for everything.
sorry for me.
x
Wish i (8)
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
LOOOOL at your & dw bummy! I swear I'm okayy (:
haven't i been holding up fine?!
talking bout worry, wouldnt be talking woman! always keeping things and emotions to yourself.. <3
anyways,
can't believe i didn't get to see yu for formal today..
oh wells I'm sure the fotos will make up ffor my loss rightt?
well they'll try anyways~
I wonder if yu figured out how to curl your hair.. ahahahaha. i shall teach you one of these days just in case !
anyways, second day of work experience. pretty boring today, we did one experiment about extracting the compouds of 1853... yer some chemical LOL. but matt came to our rescue (: && brought us upstairs for a while to do some blue chemicals soap shit. ahahah. very scientific of me. WELL. you know i kind of missed that feeling that a guy can give yu. That feeling where yu just can't stop giggling. Matt's funny ass though! but it was a fail of me to try explain to julie.. ahahah i guess yu just had to be there. We have him for the whole day on Friday, can't wait!
okay, i'm really acting desperate aren't i? ahahha who knows, maybe i am. *shrugs
ahaha; wishing youre happy bummy <3
Everybody hurts (8)
Monday, November 23, 2009
kayy; so much for giving up 10 minutes ago..where is everyone tonight?
i know you're tired..
yer and i guess so is julie, elena and yerhh.. everyone else..
so i guess i'll just write her for yu to catch upon later when i don't feel like rambling..
or when i seem to sleep all the time..
so there this quote i just wanted to mention.
“The nicest thing for me is sleep, then at least I can dream.”
— Marilyn Monroe
— Marilyn Monroe
can that explain me? Well perhaps in one way or another. When things go wrong, i reside to sleep.
then i wake up feeling twice as worse.. its just overwhelming i guess... but sometimes, when its too overwhelming, 18hr sleeps are just the besttt ! (:
Why can't we just press rewind (8)
Maybe I'm just paranoid or whatnot. Maybe I'm just so caught up in shit that when people give me a slightest hint that something is out of the ordinary, i overreact.
Maybe life isn't as bad as i think it is.
And that things aren't as shit as they seem to me.
Maybe, and possibly, its just me.
**
well today was my first day at work exp at the department of environment and climate change. There was heaps to take in, and yerh it was good and fun. But it was also tiring, i stood up for most of the day and slept straight after i ate and showered when i went home.
kay, idk i give up on blogging, I'm just not good with this anymore.
I'm just trying to kill time. I'm waiting, yet I'm waiting for nothing at all.
Everything's just so pointless.
the words are stuck in my throat and i can;t manage to let them out.
uggh, honestly right now. I just hate me.
and no matter how yu guys try to tell me truth, and no matter how thankful i am, i just feel that yu guys bend the truth just to make me feel better, after all. you're my friends.
<3
the love is gone (8)
Sunday, November 22, 2009
"What are we suppose to do after all that we've been through, now that the love is gone... "Honestly, you knowing me the best..
when you do read this, i beg of you. Please tell me what happened to me?
i feel so, disappointed(?) in myself. i'm not the girl who anyone wants to be, but more importantly i'm not the girl i want to be.
and i just don't know anything anymore.
I'm fine, honestly, but somehow i still feel something missing, somethings dragging me down. i can't pinpoint it though. i just want to be the girl i ussed to be, no matter how shit i felt i could still compose myself to smile and auctully let go and be happy, but now i find that so hard.
triggering, my thoughts was a card from the girl. I'm sure yu know, yerh the guy's daughter. She gave me a Christmas card... it read along the lines of something like:
"TO geri
Have a great day on christmas and hoping you do haave a great day!
Be happy on christmas. happie smilez"
you might be thinking its childish or ghey, but like it made me wonder if she really knows how shit i feel.
I suddenly feel like the biggest bitch ever. theres no denying it...
sure i never did anything to the girl, maybe thats the thing though, i never did anything.
but she's been great to narellie, almost more like a sister than i have, i'm grateful at least narellie has something i could never give her...
thats just todays though I guess.
hhm, yesterday i went for my job trial.
It was okay i guess, i doubt i'll get it...
and idk how i'm gonna get there, its so far.
but i guess the job will do since we're short on financial terms..
its such a struggle now, i knew it was bad, just didn't know it was that bad..
but back to the trial, i guess if i did get it i could get use to it..
anyhow, that afternoon elena called me with issues in her group.
Rachel, yes rachel again. Its dejavu i swear.
Now i'm doubting that elena bitched bout me, but that would mean contradicting julie... and idk.
I wonder where you are now, but no matter. i hope everythings going okay for you though, and i'm sorry if whatever happens i can't be there, just please don't hesitate to come to me yer?
tomorrows work exp, hopefully it'll be a good week, a week away from the usual.
x
maybe its better if we don't speak at all (8)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
So much has been happening... my thoughts are running wild and these past few days i'v just been so exhausted. I wake up and i want to go back to sleep.. i binge eat too, then i starve myself.. like wtf.. i know its unhealthy and shats but i can't help it..
honestly these past few days i haven't been able to talk to anybody properly, well besides julie actually. we talked about alot actually.. and now i'm really doubtful about alot of things...
mary has been getting on my nerves..she's just so nosy now.. she's changed, but when i think of that i think so have i. I'm such a hypocrite arent i?
today something slipped outta my mouth when i talked to julie..
i said: "i just can't be happy around mary". i wonder if its true.. she just makes things so awkward now, and like she makes me feel shit and degraded. i know i don;t try enough, and i know that i don't seem smart but idk.. like why does she hafto be so erggh when i do get a higher mark than her? can't she just be happy for me...?
& shes becoming the next katrina.. she eavesdrops and starting to put on a "voice"...
i love my group but ever since i got with them, honestly i've become stereotypically "asian". i can't even hold a long convo with the aussies and i've lost my high. i wonder where that happy chappy bit of me went...
maybe theres nothing wrong with mary, maybe its jsut me.
I haven't talked properly to elena since thursday night... i don't know what to do; thats a week ago. time goes so fast yet so slow and i'm losing my way, losing my count.. but anyways, i can't force her to open up to me can i? if she needs to she will.. but what hurts is that she's been talking to mary, no not because i'm jealous or anything but elena bitches to me about mary, and yerhh.. i'm just thinking why she turned her back to talk to mary... julie told me something.. apparently elena mightve bitched behind my back.. i wonder if it was elena that spread all the talk about my formal partners and yerr.. i hope it isn't julie had a point but idk.
*sighsigh, being the talk of all the shit made me so tired. i didn't want to put up with all the questions, but thats over now and i wanna mend the friendship between me&elena and me&mary. but idk who to trust anymore... and idk what to do.
**
i visited your blog today; i know that sometimes my words don't mean much, but honestly sooner or later your mum will come to terms... and i guess jigging is just a "break" for yu from everything.
next year is a new year and we'll do our best together, i promise i'll be there with you (:
hmm... i watch the video and skimmed through your photospam.
it made me wonder if yu have like that with me when we're together? idk.... i just feel like a shit friend who can't help you nor anyone atm.
GREAT. more thoughts to sleep with tonight... xx
prisoner of love (8)
Monday, November 16, 2009
no one ever thinks about how trapping love could be yu know? i'm watching this drama called last friendsIts basically a group of friends who are intervened with fate, love, lies, broken promises and whatnot. But what amazes me is the pain that they all manage to shield and hide from one another. I guess life is prettty much like that, you will never be alone yet you will always feel lonely. I don't know how to explain but i guess thats how i feel.
What can i say.. right now i feel so trapped. Entangled in a life that i do not want and never asked for.
But i think its like that for everyone, and i guess i shan't complain anymore. I guess all i can do is make the most of it and everything i can.
Somehow i'm so scared to strike a convo anymore, whether it be with yu or elena. I'm just so scared imma say something wrong. Worse of all i can't even make yu guys smile anymore. All i feel i can do is sit and listen. I'll hold your hand and lend yu my should to lean against. But at the same time i feel so immersed in something, something so far away i'm losing apart of myself. I feel like i''m trying to break free. I'm eargerly grasping for a life that is not mine.
I wanted to point out that I'm a selfish obnoxious bitch. But I'm also human.
Is it really that much to expect from my mum? I don't know anymore.
Me and yu. We are so much alike yet so different.
Believe me when i say that yu are a good friend, and one of the bestest. What yu seem to do may not be much but it means the whole world to me.
Sometimes it seems that you're the only one who believes in me. and trust me yu know how to push my buttons to get me back up and happy. thankyu love. <3
sorry if my words are jumbled, but thankyu if yu read. x
i should be letting go (8)
Saturday, November 7, 2009
So; school cert is in less than 32hours i think. & i'm not worried.
Instead, i'm thinking about him.
what do i do?
i know he's just an obsession....
WHy is it so hard to find someone else who can offer me the same comfort?
Why is it so hard for me to open up to others who offer me comfort?
He changed his dp today. I just stared at it. Wondering how much i actually know him. it hurts for me to think, but maybe he really is and will always be a stranger anyways...
i should be studying; but i'm not...
i haven't even started. I wanna try to get at lleast band fives for all of my subjects, but as this rate i don't think so...
& i wonder what makes people think i'm so stupid..
am i stupid?
i'm starting to doubt myself...
you know, all my life (or for the most) i've tried to impress my mum with my marks, and i do exceptionally well, but no matter she doesn't see that.
now i'm, just over trying too hard.
i wanna live the way i want to.
do the things that would make me happy.
but what is that exactly?
I have no idea...
no idea at all.
no idea about anything anymore...
toyou.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
so all of sudden after we talk; you changed your nick to "leave me alone" at first i didnt really notice because i was caught up. but then i felt wierd and couldnt pinpoint it... i wasnt talking to yu. right now i feeel so useless... i can't help anyone. i can't make the people i love happy.. i'm dragging them into my own shits.
i just wanna help; i just wanna make you guys happy...
why are such simple actions ever so hard?
not everything is what it seems to everyone else about me..
and maybe its the same about my perspective on the world.
when you asked why i didn't trust yu.
i do. but thers a knot i get when i'm asked to trust in someone. when someone makes a promise to me..
maybe its because my mum didn't believe me of shits that happened when i was little..
maybe its because my dad broke promise after promise when i alway sput my trust in him..
and now my guard is so high up. i won't let anyone get close enough to hurt me.. in reality it hurt tens times as much ...
honestly i just don't trust myself anymore. every morning i try to laugh and smile to my friends i'm overwhelmed at night....
i lie to others. i lie to myself...
i can't even trust in myself anymore... i'm constantly letting myself down... what can i do now?
slower to heal (8)
I'm so scared...because even through my ups and downs, i think the ones who hurt but keep quieter than me are the ones who actually hurt the most..
i always start the convo.. but then i've slowly learned to stopp doing so and let the opportunity come.. but this time instead he just disappeared like that.
i don't think i lost this chance because i think i never had one in the first place..
i think i've thought about it long enough... i'm not gonna go to meetup. thats my plan for now but i'll let the day come before making an official notice.. it's not that i don't want to go. and its not like its not gonna hurt. but its the fact that i want to hurt so it huts no more. i wanna forget him.
