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guilt trips.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
don't you just love them ? Why do i always end up to tears? Honestly why? I don't know how to start so ill just write something i jotted down in my study book today... yes i was suppose to be studying... on a sunny day during the holidays.... but no; i didn't and honestly, i don't give a damn about school anymore.
16:12 071009.
I know she's unhappy, but it doesnt mean that she has to make me unhappy as well. Sometimes i want to spend time with her. But its either she's not bothered going out, she's too tired or she's to caught up spending time with her beloved. Lately, we've had it harder. Financially i mean, i just don't know anymore.
15 years and she's ceased to do anything. Iknow she's been through alot, done alot for me. but truth is through all this time she could've done so much more, so much better.
My mother is strong, but her heart is weak, emotionally i mean. Thats why she keeps getting hurt...
My mother, she's constantly telling me off for my personality. She's thinking the best for me, but i guess she just doesn't realise does she? I'm just like her...
I know the only why she's so tough on me, on herself is because she;s trying to act on behalf of my father as well, but I'm 16 now. Yes it may be a small number, but i've grown up more than she thinks... especially since i've had my share of life...
so did that even make sense?? *sighsigh, lately i've been thinking alot about the poeple in my life... yesterday i had an urge to go visit my puppy; remember PPJ? yes; i still think about her everyday. there's these dogs in the park, whenever they bark, its brings about a wave of nostalgia....
Yesterday in bed honestly i thought of yu. i told myself no matter what i had to find the guts to go up and speak to you somehow... lala. you called me today; to spend time you and your friends... the thing was it was your mum that asked you to call me wasn't it? you even said so yourself... i guess lately i've been so withdrawn that i'm just not ready to be around alot of people? bullshit. i just didn't feel comfortable. i looked at you. and i saw someone else. i guess she's different from the girl that i spent those lonesome days and evenings with. I initially just went home to ask my mum to stay longer.. and to call a friend to see if i should go back up. and when you came the second time to ask. i was really happy.. like a sensation of hope swept over me.... but then my mum...
i odon't know whats going through her mind lately.. but its like she keeps cutting me deeper and deeper. no matter how much i try to keep it in... i just don't get her anymore..
she's changed. but then haven't we all?
i try. itry to understand for her. every time i ask something, she seems to put me onto another guilt trip. at 9 horrids started happening to me. i was left to defend myself whenever possible. yes you know what events im talking about dont you? at 11 i was left to fend for myself because mother was occupied with my sister and cooking all the time... at 12 i was well aware of our financial issues. at 13 my mother faced the bastard and the whore at 14 i lost my dad or so it seems. no one. n one seemed to understand for me did they? i'm tired of telling myself it'll e okay time after time. holding everything inside to pretend that everything is okay on the outside.
guilt trips. don't you just love them ?
so i asked mum for my sim back; because the complications of changing my number EVERYWHERE; literally is a horrid. plus i don't think i can survive on prepaid again.. yes im a materialistic bitch, get over it. so mother turns to me and gives me a talk about how i'm, selfish because she doesn't want to be on prepaid because she's "grown up" and needs it more than i do because of her car blah blah and we can't afford anything more... my aunty then turns around to me and tells me about how i'm always spending too much time on the phone whether its home phone or internet and never spend time with my mum never care for her.
do they fucken know how much i care. do they know how much it tears me inside to know that she cries at night? do they know how much i limit myself to cash flow? do they know how much their actions and words hurt me?
no. of course not.
the last week of school. i began to distant myself away from everyone again. its nearly broke me and Elena apart... but in actual; she never found out why. no one did.
when your daughter wakes up in the middle of the night to throw up; at least have the courtesy to ask her how she is. instead of accusing her for staying on the phone until 2am.
why do i always end up in tears? tell me why?