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Tuesday, September 29, 2009
i was never that person everyone thought i was. i was never that happy, bright, cheerful, hopeful girl. i just never really revealed the vulnerable side of me... to yu; i'm not saying that i was right, nor that i had it worse. but honestly, sometimes it felt as though that those moments of our bickers were the only time that i would get you to talk... sometimes we'd not talk for days, then we'd see eachother and it's be the highlight of my week. those rare sincere moments within our moments of despair. the stupid remarks and jokes we made. the carelessness, the childness within us revealed, with nothing to fear. but what about the other moments? the dark, cold nights? it doesnt take a genius to figure out that things aren't right or okay for you. you started to isolate yourself again. and honestly its only those times when i chose to pick up an argument that you would let yourself out... every day i tell myself it'll be okay, i put on a smile for the world, and every night i feel so tired. there are some things worth giving up for. not everything in the world is going to go our way. you can't force some things. so i'm trying to hold on now. but honestly, its not working is it?
all htose plans we made, all those jokes. those memories....
i dont like confrontations nor things head on. i've had enough of them..
&i don't know whats wrong with me anymore; everyday is a blur. it goes so quickly, yet i feel like i'm not going anywhere. i'm not doing anything.
so we all know that everyone has a talent right? something that they are truly good at. yet i can't seem to find mine... i guess i still have a lifetime, but it feels though time is running out.
i feel my life is so mechanical sometimes...
hmmm..
lets just leave it at that for now....
Monday, September 28, 2009
from me to you. because i dont know how else i can get to you. ***
its been a while; a veryvery long while.
and after this past month or so, it feels like I've gone a whole circle, back to the beginning again.
i think this is one of the reasons why I'm blogging again? somehow i just feel alone even though I'm always surrounded by people.
change. this month has been full of change. change is something that i cant cope with...
this past month i have two regrets. both times i guess the outcomes were kinda obvious.. its just one of those things yu can't avoid. and no matter how much yu try to make a difference, the outcome is going to be the same. i loss a friendship, and i gained something more although not necessarily good.
i must say this month aug-sept of 2009 was one of my happpiest and saddest by far. People witnessed me at my high, but when i broke down it seemed as though noone took notice. back to the beginning. i can't bring myself to open up again. and so i feel everything building up. it gets higher and one day it'll collapse. one day i will break again.
this post doesn't even make sense...
maybe i should post from the beginning. from where i last left off from...
shortly after my last post; i lost a dear friendship. i regret it. and every day simply looking out the window is a reminder. something which seems so close yet so far away. i tried, but i ask myself did i try hard enough? i don't know what happened, but i know that i didnt want it to end that way.
slowly i then started to fall... despite what is said, i never really thought much about being in like/love with someone... but i must admit he was different. my situation was different and in turn our circumstances were different. when i was at my lowest.. in the middle of the nights, he was the one who was there. there was nothing more, nothing less. just a sense of security and warmth he gave my tummy... but i knew nothing more was to come of it, so i decided to let go.. i've lost count on how many times i tried to let go, but somehow something always draws me back in..
on 250809, i had my 16th, nothing to big was happening yet but this week had to be my happiest, surrounded by friends, family, laughter... yet two people whom i would have loved to enjoy it with most were not there. there was a void.. but it couldnt be helped. i repeatedly asked them,, and i was repeatedly let down. i guess thats just life. you can't have everything.
words can't describe how i felt at that time, it was like a hollow sensation? haha. sounds stupid.
my party that weekend was awesome. i know what some of yu might be thinking, but honestly, keep it g-rated ;D
so have yu ever felt like you were flying and suddenly falling? like one of those dreams??
the following week after my birthday, the monday after my party, i was told news that ticked me.. the death of my grandpa in vietnam..
i told one friend and reserved to isolation..
and although that friend is my best, somehow.. when it comes to things, it seems like i just can't bring myself to destroy her little piece of happiness, that piece that i don't have.
i did not bother tell anyone else, my other which i was tempted to turn too, i could no longer.. i felt so bare that night. 12hrs in bed that night. but within the darkness, i cracked. i decided to turn to him again... and it was a bad decision. i accepted his soothing words and comfort. and i fell deep. deep-er than before. he was the one i chose to pour my life and soul out to.. and now it feels like he has a part of me that ill find in no one but him.. maybe i am in love. or maybe i am just infatuated. whatever the feeling all i know is that when im with his it is happiness, truth seems okay and times without it hurts. the reality of the broken promise tells me i shouldn't think of it more than just friends but my heart tells me go for it?
after this, things at home settled down for abit..
but now im not quite so sure...
things between my mum and i are very rough.
my nightmares of the past are returning.
regrets are constantly filling my head.
im always distracted from schoolwork.
i am once again exposed to broken promises.
i reside to myself.
i am not me.
i look in the mirror and see someone totally different.
someone i barely know at all.
i am no longer in touch with the world.
honestly im so scared. and i just want someone to reassure me..
i tell them i'm managing, but am i?
people think im strong and kay, and at one stage i believed so too...
but honestly.. not so sure anymore.
im destructing everything i have. family. friendship. education.
so tired.
but like everyone says, im always tired.
yet has anyone stop to thought maybe i meant emotionally...