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daddy's little princess.
Monday, August 10, 2009
I envy them. Those girls who ride on their daddy's shoulders.
Those who stand hand in hand between their parents.
What made me write such a post today?
Loss occurs in many forms. Death isn't the only way.
Today, there was news about the death of a friends dad. It was very sudden for her, and although i would like to say sorry and that i feel for her. Honestly i can't. You never do. You'll never feel nor understand the way someone feels, so why should yu try to? Why would yu say yu do? Has anyone ever thought that it'd make one feel worse?
Honestly, i lost count as day by day. Month by month. Year by year passed and my dad never contacted me.
Sometimes, the smallest things remind me of him. But what can i do?
Right now, im selfish enough to say that at least those people had some good time with their daddy's, at least they knew their daddy's cared. That their daddy's love them. At least they got to say goodbye.
Sure my dad might not be dead, but honestly, he might as well be. From the way he treated me as a child, until the day he left, i think i can say that he did not live up to his role as a dad.
Violence. Abuse. Broken promises. i forgave him, because things were slowly starting to fall back in place when both my parents began to settle back in with their separate lives. but then he left. he called me up to tell me he'd left. I didn't know when. i didn't know where to. I didn't care to ask because i trusted his words, that he will continue to call, and he will come back.
What i do know is that i cried. and now; sometimes i do too. because he called back, once, twice three times and he promised to continue doing so. But then he stopped. One day there were no more calls. there were no more promises, let alone broken ones. there was nothing. it was as if he'd vanish from the face of the earth.
So tell me. is he dead or not? My answer is he might as well be.
Does anyone think about what i go through. my dad may not be dead. but people don't know half the shits i go through. half the shits i lived to get here today.
I loss too.
I hurted as well.
Why doesn't anyone, in particularly the adults, think about that..?
When people tell me they saw my dad, what do they expect me to say?
How do they want me to react?
Do they want me to sing out words of joy and thankfulness for the news?
DO they want me to cry and retell my story?
When people ask me "has your dad contacted you recently?" they expect a yes, i know because i see their faces when i say no.
When people ask " What would yu say to your dad if you ever saw him again?" do they want me to say " i ll shout and curse at him" or " ill cry and cry" or ill hug him"
what do people want from me?
loss. its not just death. its departure.
i hate my dad for what he did, for what he has done.
but none the less, i miss him. i think about him. i wonder what he looks like now. i wonder how he is.
truth is i still love him. after all; he is my dad. he was once, is and always will be.
**
people tell me to tell my story if it pains me so much, but how could i when it jeopardizes so many ... ? i would love to sit down and retell my story but then think about it. who would sit down to listen? to truly listen with ears, heart, soul and all. Who would treat me the same as they always have.
I'm hurt. And I'm scared.
I smile but honestly, its only because the tears have run dry. So when i do cry, truthfully.. its near breaking point..
I've done stupid things.. but haven't we all at one point or another?
sguigglysqoo.
Monday, August 3, 2009
This morning; i knew it was going to be a good day. Its just a feeling yu know? I didn't anticipate that it was that good; but tonight, I actually think that there's hope :) my family actually had our "proper" dinner together on the dining table together after literally months. and in a way; i guessed i missed it... yu really don't appreciate what yu have until yu've lost it. Or luckily like mee, when yu almost lose it.
Starting to slowly pic myself ups !!
Listening to Maybe by Yiruma in which Lamah suggested. Its a sweet song.. I never realised how blunt with words i could get ^___^" But honestly "sweet" sums everything up for me. I think its just that if yu know me well enough, even my simplest gestures would reveal everything about meeee.
Back to my point, i say its sweet because in one way or another it sparks a nostalgic sense in part of me. the good and/or bad times. However, parts of the tune/notes or whatever you want to call it (i have little to no knowledge about music whatsoever) evokes such emotions. like there's just something there. its not just empty and meaningless.
The song title also creates a sense of hope. maybe just maybe. sure maybe something could go wrong. but then there's also a possibility of good.
its a new day; everyone smile !
be happy. for me?
i promise that everything will eventually be okay
xx.