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stupid.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
honestly i dont know what happened to my day. it wasn't even worth living. i woke at 11.30AM to go back to bed at 2.30PM and woke up again at 6.00PM. i honestly cant find a reason to wake up anymore. im always in bed.. but anyways i actually kept a record of my thoughts all day today.. it wasnt a good one i guess. i want to go out. but the mother is driving me insane, i guess i have to keep biting my tongue, anything to make her happy i guess. ***
Urghhh, stupid restless nights. Stupid regrets. Stupid mind. Stupid me.
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Why do people care so much about how they look. Why do we make so much fuss about it? Is that really all we’re worth for? Our looks?
We all hope that the answer is no, and I guess in some sorts it is.
We’d be constantly telling our friends that they look good, but honestly how many times is that the truth? We would tell them that because we care. We care about their feelings, we value them for who they are. But what about that girl that you saw walking down the street? Or that guy who got introduced to you by a friend? Honestly, most of time, our first impressions are imprinted upon looks. What has our world become? World wars. Increasing divorce rates. Murder. Rape. Molestation. Eating disorders. Depression in kids at 10? Honestly, WTF? I know what I’m yearning. I won’t get it… Not now anyways.
I feel so deteriorated.
I sometimes ask myself… what if that day I wasn’t so determined to go, maybe they would never have met, I wouldn’t be feeling this way. Its called fate. It was fate that I met you. Its destiny if we continue down the road together, or bump into eachother from time to time.
Maybe what elaniemay told me was right. Two people who share their pain become closer, united. What I have to say is, should we force it out of ourselves?
If I had to describe my life, I would say that it is like an unwritten book, an unscripted drama. Yes, it feels that way, the almost 16 years of my life have been utter bullshit. Right from the beginning.
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Haven’t done much today, and half of the day has gone already. Right now, im really confused about my feelings, but I don’t want to do anything rash.
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If only she listened to me.
If only she believed me.
If only she did something.
Then maybe it wouldn’t have happened to me. Not just once, but repeatedly, so many times I’d seem to lost count. It was stupid. I was young. How was I supposed to know? If he wasn’t who he is, then maybe I would’ve spoken up. But to protect the people I love, to let them be happy, I just have to continue and bite my tongue and continue to keep quiet.
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I just realized, no mater how many times I tell myself it’d be okay, things will never return to the way they were before.
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How could there be insufficient love when there is no more love now? Or worse how could there in sufficient love when there was no love in the first place?
***
those were my thoughts; i guess i really had nothing better to do..
its undeniable that i've changed. everyone who knew be before who say so. but is it for the better or worse. thats why, in my first post ever. i asked you not to think nor judge me, but simply just listen. we all fall at times, and its harder for some to stand up than others. i guess the hole i feel through was bigger than expected.
it was sunny, but what happens when the sun is gone.. ? i hate me. i hate life.
the worse thing is noone understands, and i can't tell.
everyday i live in a lie, pretending that nothing ever happened.
pretending that i'm that happy chap.
so what do i do now that im out of energy, deprived, can no longer pretend? i dont want to change anything but slowly i am. the more people who know about the way i feel and thinking, the more they act towards me out of pity. or think i am mentally retarded. something i wont argue upon. thus ive been isolating myself, not such a god thing either aye...
but how can i tell someone else to smile when i am finding it hard to do so myself?
how can i tell someone to eat properly when i'm barely having two meals a day ?
how ccan i tell someone my pain when they're laughing away?
i need some cheering up ut idk who to go to. the only person who i used to depend on to keep me sdistracted i havent had a proper conversation with for two days.
im tired. i shall go back to bed soon.
have work tomorrow, at least im getting paid.
i just hope. that my brain shuts off soon. i honestly don't want to think anymore.