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Black&White.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Sometimes you forget how low some people could be. You forget how there is white; but also BLACK. not everyone cane be the good friend they seem to be no matter how much they appear so. When people bitched and said shit about you, i always said that it wasn't your fault that you are like that, every each one of our circumstances are different, and they cause act to act the way we do. Perhaps out of insecurity, or out of pride? I don't know, and i wouldn't unless i was you. Ask your best friend; and remember this. If you and your friends enjoy saying and listening to shit about other people, then remember that they too can turn and say shit about you. Just a friendly reminder whilst I'm on that note.
I remember that month, i remember that week; i remember that day. How stupid and foolish of me. i should have listened to my friend. But i didn't think anything of it at the time. after all; you were sitting on the other side of the bus, and "supposedly" listening to your ipod. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I never thought you'd eavesdrop in the first place, let alone go around to people asking and saying shit. let me tell you this; it DID hurt to know, although i knew that the things you said were partially true but have you ever thought how people would start treating me and how fucked up i would feel? How low i would feel? How ashamed i would feel? Well I'm letting you know now. i despise what yu did. no; i don't despise yu, but simply your actions. I feel so screwed like i can't face the world. I feel lower than i did i did at that time. i feel like i could dig a hole and bury my head there.
Its been over a month now, possibly two, but i found out today. I was shocked at first, and i thought i accepted it. But after a days reflection; I'm simply aggravated, because i know everything that happened behind my back, and why people started to treat me differently.
I'm telling yu, as well as everyone else (yes; i know who you all are and i think there are actually more), i don't want your fucken pity. I don't need you to treat me "nicer" or more "special" because of what things have happened to me.
Don't try to understand me, don't say you do, because you don't. Don't say you're close to me, and try to get more information out of others, because you're not close to me; and most likely you'll never be.
Right now, there's no point of me confronting you, because nothing can be done the damage has been done. I'm posting it here because i don;t want to mention any names to anybody, and i hope that if you do read this, you know who you are and change for the better. i don't care if you hate me. but maybe less people will hate you.
----
Many do not know about what has happened to me besides my closest friends and the people involved above. I know that many think that i have "boy issues" and honestly, at times it sounds like it too. My problems are home issues. the issues always have been and no matter how well people know me, they will never fully know me, nor will they really know what happened. Please don't think badly of me, i really didn't do anything that shit, or to that extent...
Like i said in my first post.
"Don't think, Don't judge, Just listen"
When did life become so difficult...?
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Hey guys.. i know i havent blogged for afew days; but honestly right now i just find it so hard to communicate my ideas and thoughts. And most often when i do open my mouth or decide to do something, i regret it.
All these thoughts that run through me.
i want to let it out.. but maybe its just best if i hold it in abit longer..
just a bit longer until everything; or at least most things are okay again..
these days; i should stop isolating myself on msn. Yesterday night i tried to get distracted, return to my old happy self, but it felt like i was just getting really annoying and getting onto everyone's nerves. If i showed how i truly felt, i know everything's going to go wrong .that i'm going to say something stupid to make someone else feel worse, that people will just want to cease talking to me overall.
Seems like everyone is having such a difficult time; i need to talk to someone but who do i go to? i know everyone is constantly saying that they are there for me. But even if it was three in the morning? even when they are in their own despair and have issues of their own to deal with? Sometimes, i just feel so selfish. That i want everyone to listen to me. to know how i feel. but i don't have the heart to..
many things have happened over the last few days, i just need to gather my thoughts.
Learning to let go..
I will eventually let it go..
no matter waht yu said, things HAVE changed for the worse. i want to find a hole to bury my head in, to walk in the other direction when i see yu. to sign of msn if yu come on.
then i realise.. i really can't let go can i? no just yet anyways. imma press delete. sure i may regret it for a while.. but then it'll make things easier right?? Yes easier for the both of us...
BLEH. my overused phrase. but honeslty, no better word describes me atm.
take care all. xx
1..2..3.. smile !
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
KAPEESH? kapeesh. "Don't smile if yu don't mean it"
a friend once told me this; and my argument was that the world knew me this way, for the smile on my face, the jokes that i make; im sure yu get my drift.
However last night, after conversation with a friend, whom i can now truly call a dear friend indeed, i understood what my other friend meant when she told me not to smile if i didnt mean it. so to my dear friend, please, don't smile if yu dont mean it. no matter how yu hide it, i can still sense the hurt yu are going through. i dont know what caused that hurt, but to me it doesnt really matter. yu dont have to tell me if yu dont want to, i would just like to offer yu my comfort. i want to tell yu to smile, but how can i do so when im finding it hard to do so myself? remember what i told yu? no matter how similar our circumstances,i would never understand how yu feel. i realy dnt know what to do to make yu feel better... but ill try.
funny, but yesterday night, i had a good cry whilst tlking to yu. yu know thers a bad cry and then a good cry? like the bad cry where it feels like theres just a hole in the middle of your chest which hurts and hurts so much and its getting bigger and biggers while youre gasping and crying for breaths. Well, and then theres the good cryy, where after yu cry theres a deep sense of relief, sure yu may be tired but it was good to finally let it out of yu for it has been in there for just too long. Sure, i didnt reveal my all to yu, but it was the most ive revealed to anyone. So tha one point i didnt say it straight out but i indicated so. did yu get the message of what happened to me? well; idk. kay; after all that rambling, i guess my point is, thankyu for the talk. and if yu ever need. im there for yu. (:
yesterday night was.. busy(?) alot of catchups since ive been isolating myself last weekend. i had some laughs and cries, but overall it was good. had a late night sleep and felt rather tired for work. guess what TOY SALE tomorrow (:
on the flip side, they put me on shift from 5pm till midnight tomorrow...
Anywho, today after work i decided to take some pics of my cake.. ? i guess lamah and some other friends got me into photography kinda. considering one unit for next year? well who knows. its nothing spectacular, but yu know what, ive got a different aspect. i like to cook then take pics of my food xD
likelike. yerh if you saw my last bunch on marshmellows&rocky road? ^____^
anyways; enjoy?
cheers bumchummys. hope yu all had a happy-licious day .
xx.
-untitled-
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
i didnt know what to title this blog entry as. my day, started off very roughly.. but whom to tell? i dont know. wouldve told yu, but didnt have the heart o ruin your day so i will continue to put on a smile. hrmm. an older friend, like a brother to me, once told me (probably like lasy week or soemthing) that i shouldnt be such a lil shit. yerh ouch. it hurt. but i knew in some sorts he was telling me a fact. honestly though, maybe when we blame it on our parents, it is true. has anyone ever thought to listen to what we have to say? yerh, so it might come out rude but people, its not always our fault hat we're lil shits. its the events which unravel around us that cause us to become the way we are. Anyways, why the sudden memory? i had an argument with the mother. as much as i love her, sometimes i cant help but to blame her for the things that have happened to me.. but we are okay now (:
i had work too. so far ive earned $1000ish. shame ive spent half of it T.T"""
so should i get tax return.. of like 10 bucks.. ROFLMAO. cbf. someone else can like get richer on that (: see how nice i am.
very quiet day at work. brendan wasnt there ):
Joel was. he's such a gentleman.. but i kinda wished that brendan was there to cheer me up abit. hmm. just realised how much they baby me at work too. oO
im like the youngest.. and the smallest since im asian ^^V
hrmm. thats basically all ive done today.
i made a cake. ! so i guess ill take photos of that tomo maybe?? (:
**
so i was thinking today.. yes; i actually think. LOL. anyways . have you ever thought the other person ( anyone in particular) whos smiling at yu, like if they're really happy? telling jokes to yu and making yu smile. how happy are they ?
if it was to be asked, what the worse thing that could happen to a girl was, the most common answer would probably be rape or molestation..
but then and again at least they have family and friends to support them right..?
i think the worst feeling a child could experience is negligence.
neh was abt to wriet something but got distracted.
hope y'all had a good day (:
xx.
Angel of mine ♪
Monday, July 20, 2009
by MonicaWhen I first saw you I already knew
There was something inside of you
Something I thought that I would never find
Angel of Mine
I look at you looking at me
Now I know why they say the best things are free
Gonna love you boy you are so fine
Angel of Mine
How you changed my world you'll never know
I'm here for now, you helped me grow
Chorus:
You came into my life
Sent from above
When I lost the hope
You show my love
I'm checkin for you
Boy your right on time
Angel of Mine
Nothing means more to me then what we share
No one in this world can ever compare
Last night the way you moved is still on my mind
Angel of Mine
What you mean to me you'll never know
Deep inside I need to show
(Chorus)
I never knew I could feel each moment
As if they were new
Every breath that I take
The love that we make
I only share it with you
You, You, You, You
When I first saw you I already knew
There was something inside of you
Something I thought that I would never find
Angel of Mine
(Chorus)
How you changed my world you'll never know
I'm here for now you helped me grow
I look at you looking at me
Now I know why they say the best things are free
Checkin' for you boy your right on time
Angel of Mine
---
yu are an angel, just not quite mine.
battling insomnia.
five am.i had a nightmare and well it was bad ? been awake for over an hour now; and i didnt know whether i should txt him. like just to talk... its abit (or maybe really really) early so dont think i will.
hrmm , i think thats all for now.
--
eight am. have to start getting ready for work soon. i feel so cold and tired. a friend came on and cheered me up. when he left he said sweet dreams. and that i had my nightmare because noone told me sweet dreams before.. hrmm.
i did have some good dreams.. and some bad.
now that im awake, i realised that dreams don't come true either...
ive bee nhaving weird dreams/nightmares. for one of them, i dreamt that melanie kept shoving her head out the window to say hi to me. ROFLMAO. pscht like shed ever do that anyways.
hrmm. in another it was about facebook. ironic actually. i dreamt thhat she made a new skin thingy on facebook (we know facebook has none ><) but then i pressed soemthing and the screen went blank. i didnt know what to do, i was so lost without her..
well i guess i have to get ready for work now ...
have a good day all, looks lioke good weather again ~
midnight mysteries.
giving up, letting my life deteriorate before my very own eyes. what to do now? i dont know.
where to go now? i dont care.
someone make the pain go away. make the changes stop. tell me a lie, that everything will be okay,,
cant believe me yu were out that night, if i knew i wouldnt have bothered.. how can i dump my pain on someone else whos all happys and smiles?
--
tell me nightmares dont come true...
stupid.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
honestly i dont know what happened to my day. it wasn't even worth living. i woke at 11.30AM to go back to bed at 2.30PM and woke up again at 6.00PM. i honestly cant find a reason to wake up anymore. im always in bed.. but anyways i actually kept a record of my thoughts all day today.. it wasnt a good one i guess. i want to go out. but the mother is driving me insane, i guess i have to keep biting my tongue, anything to make her happy i guess. ***
Urghhh, stupid restless nights. Stupid regrets. Stupid mind. Stupid me.
---
Why do people care so much about how they look. Why do we make so much fuss about it? Is that really all we’re worth for? Our looks?
We all hope that the answer is no, and I guess in some sorts it is.
We’d be constantly telling our friends that they look good, but honestly how many times is that the truth? We would tell them that because we care. We care about their feelings, we value them for who they are. But what about that girl that you saw walking down the street? Or that guy who got introduced to you by a friend? Honestly, most of time, our first impressions are imprinted upon looks. What has our world become? World wars. Increasing divorce rates. Murder. Rape. Molestation. Eating disorders. Depression in kids at 10? Honestly, WTF? I know what I’m yearning. I won’t get it… Not now anyways.
I feel so deteriorated.
I sometimes ask myself… what if that day I wasn’t so determined to go, maybe they would never have met, I wouldn’t be feeling this way. Its called fate. It was fate that I met you. Its destiny if we continue down the road together, or bump into eachother from time to time.
Maybe what elaniemay told me was right. Two people who share their pain become closer, united. What I have to say is, should we force it out of ourselves?
If I had to describe my life, I would say that it is like an unwritten book, an unscripted drama. Yes, it feels that way, the almost 16 years of my life have been utter bullshit. Right from the beginning.
--
Haven’t done much today, and half of the day has gone already. Right now, im really confused about my feelings, but I don’t want to do anything rash.
--
If only she listened to me.
If only she believed me.
If only she did something.
Then maybe it wouldn’t have happened to me. Not just once, but repeatedly, so many times I’d seem to lost count. It was stupid. I was young. How was I supposed to know? If he wasn’t who he is, then maybe I would’ve spoken up. But to protect the people I love, to let them be happy, I just have to continue and bite my tongue and continue to keep quiet.
--
I just realized, no mater how many times I tell myself it’d be okay, things will never return to the way they were before.
--
How could there be insufficient love when there is no more love now? Or worse how could there in sufficient love when there was no love in the first place?
***
those were my thoughts; i guess i really had nothing better to do..
its undeniable that i've changed. everyone who knew be before who say so. but is it for the better or worse. thats why, in my first post ever. i asked you not to think nor judge me, but simply just listen. we all fall at times, and its harder for some to stand up than others. i guess the hole i feel through was bigger than expected.
it was sunny, but what happens when the sun is gone.. ? i hate me. i hate life.
the worse thing is noone understands, and i can't tell.
everyday i live in a lie, pretending that nothing ever happened.
pretending that i'm that happy chap.
so what do i do now that im out of energy, deprived, can no longer pretend? i dont want to change anything but slowly i am. the more people who know about the way i feel and thinking, the more they act towards me out of pity. or think i am mentally retarded. something i wont argue upon. thus ive been isolating myself, not such a god thing either aye...
but how can i tell someone else to smile when i am finding it hard to do so myself?
how can i tell someone to eat properly when i'm barely having two meals a day ?
how ccan i tell someone my pain when they're laughing away?
i need some cheering up ut idk who to go to. the only person who i used to depend on to keep me sdistracted i havent had a proper conversation with for two days.
im tired. i shall go back to bed soon.
have work tomorrow, at least im getting paid.
i just hope. that my brain shuts off soon. i honestly don't want to think anymore.
sunny days.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
last night, i seriously lost all hope.. i just didnt want to think but the two people who i turned to somehow would not drop the topic.. i asked for distractions yet they made me think deeper into the situation <_< i understand that all they want to do is help, but i really cant tell.. its stupid but if i tell, then i will be judged. noone will be treating me for me but out of pure pity. everyone who reads my memoirs assumes that i am in love and rejected by a guy. i am telling yu now that its nothing like yu think.back to my point, thanks guys for talking to me though, i understand that yu just want to help and i really appreciate it.
well; today i spent time with the mother. i had a good time i guess (:
the last time i did.. well that day seemed to be the one in which everything changed. im feeling abit reassured cause i requested her to do something.. i just hope she does it. i feel so ashamed.. well thats probably not the right word.. more like disappointed in myself (?) im losing too much weight its not funny ): like yerh losing weight is like awesome but .. idk .. i just dont feel like eating anymore. on the otherhand i have skittles and apple juice ~ !
hrmm. i hope the night stays this way, that i stay content. i hate nights they make me think too much. i really want to go out o.o
but oh wells, i guess to make the mother happy ill just have to bite my tongue a little longer.
cheers guys xx.
changes.
Friday, July 17, 2009
changes cant be helped.the changes in a person.
the changes in a relationship.
those are the worst changes.
because it is change that causes two people to grow further apart? isnt it.. idk what am i going on about..
do i have anything to fear of anymore.. maybe it was an accident. im not so sure.. but what if they werent accidents. twice its happened. what if its dejavu all over agaain ? what if i continue to keep my mouth shut and it happens again and again and then ill never learn how to get over them ???
what do i do ? how do i learn how to get over them ??
what if like ill never learn to open up to someone and then it piles and piles and piles and i really do something stupid... just what if ..
im just scared itll happen again . and what if like next time im unlukier? and like noones there or something. i hate this blog. its the only way i can express myself yet its so depressing because when i go to my family and friends i always have to put on a smile and be the person they want me to be. im tired.. how much longer can i carry on? how much longer till it stops?
each minute goes by so slow. yet the days wont wait for me. i feel like a bum. i do nothing all day and at night i mope here. i want to abandon this page but now its like an addiction where i just let everything out of me. or at least partially...
no one understands. arggggghh . no matter how they try they wont.
no matter how many times they ask i wont tell.
its a burden for me to carry. if i tell everyone will be pained. so its just best this way. yes its worth it. its worth it.
i have a fever...
seeking.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
right now im seeking for comfort.. but im scared.
what if i like misread the signals.
and fall head over heals
and hurt myself
and feel worse than i do now
another pain piling on top of another.
maybe the comfort im seeking..
is something else..
but at this stage no good will come out of it.
somone to reasssure me when times are bad
someone who can make me forget my worries
someone who can make me laugh sincerely through my tears.
someone who can make me warm in cold nights
someone who will take me away when i run
i know im asking for too much.. in my thrid fourth post for the last 12 hours.. i restate..im self.. but i only want yearn and seek for what i do not have.. to make up for everything .. is that too much to ask for..?
well obviously, yes
0600AM
mmm. stupid guy txts me at this time.. yerh i know why.. its our morning thing.. buhbuh its holidays and just cause je jas work man.. he didnt even reply me afterwards T.Tso now; im alone thoughts to run free.
jealously. green with envy. me. selfish. self centered.. life. fend. need. live. die. erase. forget. free.
sometimes..two lost causes wont help.. because we cant really give eachother what we need, as we know that nothing could make us forget. the nothing could make us feel better so we sit and listen to eachother our pain mixing and building.
sometimes the only person who can help yu, is the one who does not know at all, does not try to find out when yu dont want to say yet they sense that something is wrong, that yu dont want to say and help yu move through time.
too bad sometimes.. that someone isnt the ideal one for yu.
thankyou; but under our circumstances.. its just different. it hurts yu know.. right now everything in my life at every angle there is a dagger attacking me.. to the point it hurts now.. so as i crumble over itake your offering hand.. but will i have to step back.. i did it once to someone else.. a friend told me i should ve.. so i did.. but did i regret it.. yes.. so what should i do with yu .. even though its all wrong its impossible i swear for things to continue the way they are.. cant yu back away?? get tired of me and leave stop it. its got to the point wheres an hour without tlking to yu is unbearable even when im in a distressed mood and only manage a "mhmm" its to yu.. even though we know nothing much of eachother its the day that i spend with yu. i hate this. but how do i feel abt yuu..
so many "yu"'s now.. im sorry but i dont think i should name them...
too little too late...
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
he left before i had the guts to say hi on msn.. i would text him and ask if i could tell him..
ask him for help..
reach for his hand..
but then id be falling head over heels..
id be taking the wrong impression..
id fall harder everytime..
so maybe not now..
maybe next time..
but its more like maybe never..
building blocks.
yu know when blocks pile one on top of another.. eventually they fall and break. i suddenly feel like that. what do i do..when the person who can cheer me up is not there.
when the other who i can let it out to is not there.
when the one i need to talk to is not there.
i know so many people. yet i feel so alone.
stupid blogshit. i should stay away from it. i let it out but it makes me sound like a depressing cunt.
i feel like jumping out the window.. imagine, like the flying fox or sky diving. the rush of adrenaline. being free your thoughts that one moment. just truly forgetting.
tears. neverending. they stops but on the inside, they're overflowing. one pain. one after another. waiting for that point. im waiting. i think unless i fall and break. i cant let it go. but im scared. scared of the outcomes. i want to talk to that person. that person who so closely guessed my pain. but im scared. because i know that they dont want to tlk to me. i killed it. like seriously i did . i think im a mentally retarted child. i have a headache i want to ramble then id be distracted. so ill just do it here...
i cant do it. at the end of the day. its happened and it happened to me. i cant let it out to anyone in anyway so i sit here alone. and the one way i jaksdlk;llkd
..
sometimes i wished i could press repeat on the happy hours.
sometimes when someone tries to act like they know me; or know whats best for me. i just wanna scream in their face " yu dont fucken know what happened to me today or yesterday or a year ago, so dont try to tell me who i am or what i should do".
sometimes.. its just sometimes.
and right now; its this sometimes. im so selfish...
but then and again, how could i tell yu when i know that your hurting as well, for your own reasons. because i know what i have to share will hurt yu more it s a great burden i hold. a great burden i will pass on.
someone once told me it wasnt worth it.. if only i could believe could trust.. but that person broke that trust...
so did the other..
and the other..
promises were made to be broken ..
memories fade.
went to watch harry potter todayyy ! at imaz too ^^ so it was good. what can i say? idk.. im a person with few words i guess. yu should go see it if yu havent (: the ending was abit ... wel it couldve been better .
anyways my post today is about memories. i love photos. sure i might not have much to say about it. i might not be the best at it. but theres always something that seems to captivate me, take my breath away.
sometimes i wish that my life was filled with photos to capture all the moments so that i would always remember them; because memories fade. photos which capture these moments are filled full of emotions. i looked back onto the photos when i was young, my whole life unraveled before me because my mother use to make me take luvos being her first child and all.. anywyas as my life was displayed before my eyes.. it was as if i could almost pinpoint where everything went wrong. .the emotions poured out into me... and it was as if i was taken back into time reliving the events... makes me wonder... wonder alot..
i feel so insecure.. i jsut realised.. and im so gullible i swear..
i worry to much.. im tired.. sometimes; i just want to stop thinking.
im scared..
guess what happened today..i havent told anyone.. it happened before i went to harry potter.. i dont wanna go to bed early tonight.. i know ill cry myself to bed.. and like have nightmares.. so meanwhile; i guess ill just search for distractions. im so mentally exhuasted. go waway why wont the shitty mermories fade. i hate this. i cant believe it happened to me. what did i do to deserve it the first place. innocence. i hate that word. if we never had the good things we'd never hurt. tired. taking deep breaths. signing out.
140709.1247
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
DAILYYY HOROSCOPE ! kekes; whaaaaa? im bored (:
"Your demands may not actually be met in the exact currency that you wish, but don't turn away from the negotiation table just yet. In lieu of what you want there may be other lucrative forms of payment that in the long run may even suit you better. Look at the alternatives at bargain time before you walk away from what is probably a reasonable offer."
??
"Try to take on the big ideas going on around you -- there are so many of them to choose from! You almost certainly feel something click as you identify a new sense of purpose and belonging."
purpose and belonging. lets continue to wait and see.
"Educational plans need changing as well: you may now realize that they do not suit you as well as you would like. Anything connected with publishing, advertising or broadcasting requires re-examination: a change of plans or perspectives gives you the upper hand. You love a social life--friends and relationships play a major role in your life."
wow... looks like today has alot of things in store. yes they do play a big role; but just where are they ??
"Like a hang glider, you feel on top of the world and in control. But is the adrenaline also making you combative? Smile and share your high spirits, instead of fighting those around you simply for the joy of battle. "
hmm.. how good do i actually feel right now? S:
---
i think ive converted to rock music.. its makes me feel good... whats happening to me.. hmm i mean overall... i dont like the way i am. every aspect of it :/
120709.2140
Sunday, July 12, 2009
my daily horoscope. so childish so kiddish. yet i just need something to guide me. to reassure me. "Let yourself back off from the big, bad craziness that seems to be enveloping that one project you've invested so much time and energy in. If you walk away for a day or so, your head will be much clearer."
been away from the house for three days. four if you count the hours was out on thursday and friday. and ive been happier.
im scared. what have i become? this isnt me. but im happier now.
im astonished at what people have to say about me now. im ashamed.
"You're not the type of person who indulges in romantic fantasy -- not unless it's backed by what just might be an entirely possible truth. Well, you have the chance now to make a dream come true by paying attention to what your heart is telling you to do. Don't pass it up, but don't stretch that truth any farther than you know it can go, either. And do be prepared to wait. Unfortunately reality doesn't always happen as quickly as dreams. "
as i read this; i thought of two people in my life.
on one hand, i know what i want.
yet at the same time, i am really unhappy about the changes that are occurring, the changes that occur in that one person.
on the other hand, i dont know what i want. but these past few days, that person made me laugh, unintentionally too. hmm. things wont change between us. i know that. but the things ive known have always been so unpredictable, i just hope the path im taking now is perfect or somewhat shaped ahead. that the roads will not be cracked, and ill have less falls and breakages.
"There's no clear path through the fuss other people are kicking up. It's okay if you don't make any progress, as long as you have something to show for your idleness. Meet new people while you're standing around. "
i dont understand. it seems to say so much to me, yet nothing at all. physically, ive laid back on all my work and family. i know everything i do now is shitshitshit. hoepfully, just hopefully, everything will turn out okay.
"A kind of romantic wistfulness characterizes your approach to life now. This could mean a longing for a soul mate or a yearning to save the world; it could mean carrying a torch, as well. Secret loves, lost loves - all you need is love."
i laughed at the last sentence. where is the love i now yearn ? where is the love?
everything there for me seemed so right, yet so confusing. my head hurts now. truly it does. i think id better go shower and do something lightheaded. watching a movie i guess? im sorry if everything you read, if you read was so useless. meaningless for you. right no, im just so lost in my own life. im just waiting i guess. once again, for what?i dont know...
xx_.
nguggy
reflections.
sometimes i wonder why i bother;why i take initiation.
for in the end; things don't change.
not for the better anyways.
sometimes i wonder why the things are the way they are.
i wonder why people treat me the way they do.
maybe its the way i act ?
i things i do ?
sometimes i just want to give up.
let go and not think about it.
but then i tell myself to give it one more chance,
to try one more time.
the higher you climb; no let me rephrase that.
the higher i climb; the harder i fall.
i would stop striving, stop acting.
but then a part of me would also feel like ive stopped living.
BRANDONSBRANDONSBRANDONS.
;">far outt. so bored so thought id blog about my last few days; sorry that its has been quite some time; BUT i doubt anyone really reads this anyways.thursday&friday went bumming @ bass high (:
met melanie's awesomes friends. shout out to them !
i swear i would move to their school; although i was suggested not to (?) so idk. hrmmm. got caught on friday.. rofl? nothing happened. just went to plaza to wait for mel. that was a boring two hours i swear. what a shizzie place to bum. feel sorry for the guy in target though xD he was a nice chap; saw me sitting in some corner so he suggested that i get a book to read. stupid im shouldve worked&thank god that guy didnt know i work there ( FYI i work at bass target but in knitwear section). so thats basically all that happened. man i wished i could dance. AHAH totally illed it though when i tried to dance to sorrysorry by suju. hey i though i loked HOT lololoL. kays maybe not <_<
saturday went to viet school. i swear birrong boys is a worse bludge than lasalle. i dont think we even learn here;but thats good i guess. whats bad is that alf of our class are imports; so they'll probably ace it while ill go through epic failure. i love them though. they're nice peeps (: i showed off my new ubber bigbird THREEinONE pen :D bubbles, stamps and all . AHAHHAH. i love it. this wa followed by..OH I GOT A NEW PHONE ! ^^ the f480 ~ booyah ! its at home charging majskjdas so dotg et to play with it till tomorrow.. how shizts. shouldve goen to get my hair doen too; but iwasnt stuffed. so ill go next week hopefully? mmm.now im at brandons agains .kinda bored. my. ass. off.
gawd. was it only me or was last night cold?? i couldnt sleep s: anyways. im running behind on scheldule. gotta get my ass upand running. need to do english assignemnt; science assignment and catch up ontwo weeks worth of school work.i guess i have two weeks to do those. going to watch HP on wednesday ;) i cant remember what happened durin the last sone.. i guess ill get hong vi to recap for me on the train to town hall on wednesday. what shall i do now.. i guess i really wanna nap. noones home man. everyone sout; feeling so lonely on msn
wonder where everyone is...
hmm i miss certain people.
i hate change.
i wish people relied on me more often..
im so random.
i want icecream && mi goreng.
what a boring post. kill me. tata for noww..
xx_.
nguggy
little bo PEEP!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
marshmallow craze.
my bubs.
i cleaned my room yesterday && rearranged everything again. AHAHA. it was so tiring i fell asleep before 10pm&& slept for 12 hrs :D during the process, i gathered up all my plushies. so that was a photo of them ~ so many x_x and that was on my queen bed ! now they are all positioned on shelves, my tallboy etc ~
behind the scenes.
random photos of places i've been and just snapshots here and there. nothing too much .
ME
last but not least. AHAH . such a luvo :P
i made these yesterday night && took photos of them this morning. watch out tummy ! you have some workout to do very, very soon ^^"
Pocky Princess Jr.my baby (: i love pocky (both foodwise&&pupwise); princess is named after a friend thus the jr afterwards. Pocky is adorable, although she's starting to become a menace, i still love her.. OUCH though, she's starting to teeth && i have to do something about her nails D:
she got high on chocolate too <_<
she got high on chocolate too <_<
my bubs.
i cleaned my room yesterday && rearranged everything again. AHAHA. it was so tiring i fell asleep before 10pm&& slept for 12 hrs :D during the process, i gathered up all my plushies. so that was a photo of them ~ so many x_x and that was on my queen bed ! now they are all positioned on shelves, my tallboy etc ~
behind the scenes.
random photos of places i've been and just snapshots here and there. nothing too much .
ME
last but not least. AHAH . such a luvo :P
i guess, in between my blues, overall these past few weeks have been packed. Julie was right. i should stop searching for an answer; we always assume that we have truly let go, but we never truly have. i'm no exception. anyways hope you guys enjoyed the images? they were random of me since i'm just trying to organise my files. ps. none of the photos were photoshopped. AHAH, and they might be kinda shiets. imma try do something more with them if i'm bothered. or upload more !
xx_.
nguggy
nguggy
irreversables.
Monday, July 6, 2009
A corrupted person cannot be uncorrupted; A corroded substance cannot return to its original state;
&& broken things cannot be mended, its always a step too late.
--
I have been corrupted;
My life has corroded;
Our relationships are broken;
Its too late now. 060709.2300
xx_.
nguggy
050709.2234
Sunday, July 5, 2009
i suddenly felt so tired, so overwhelmed, exhausted and simply bad. I'm taking this Ventolin shit and its making me feel shitter.I read your post...it brought tears top my eyes when i realised how suddenly distanced we are.. what can i say? what can i do? - nothing. TBH, ive een waiting for you all afternoon and night. my pm distressed, looking for you, asking you to nudge me. But suddenly, i am afraid. Was it that one night that caused everything to crash and stumble? how stupid of me to ruin such friendship with my stupididty; with my selfishness.
---
I was listening to SNSD's song dear mom. i got curious so i searched up the lyrics. i quote Mom, I truly love you && i cry.
i.. realised that im not okay. not okay with anything, everything. with each breath i take, i feel so much more worn out. honestly, what will become of me?
---
PRINCESS. i unexpectedly feel so attached to you. you probably don't remember or took notice of this, but in our first conversations ever, you were the one who cheered me up. No, you werent the only one. but you were the only one who guessed what truly hurted me most of all. Obviously i denied and made a joke out it. remember what i said? the worse couldnt happen to me because it already had. i then backed away. so it answers your question to me a few weeks ago. the reason as to why i always move away. i guess im just really just afraid; because noone really knows but you were so close. at the meetup you asked me if i was okay, i laughed and ran away. im still not okay. im sorry i bother. im sorry i fuss. im sorry i pms and act like a betch. but most of all, im just sorry im me.
Its a love-hate thing.
I love yet hate when I'm in bed but not asleep. No one understands. But i do. I guess that's where most problems arise. I'm bed, my thoughts are free to form- the good; but also the bad. School work would take my mind off things, but it just makes my head hurt && I feel so tired, so overwhelmed. So i reside to the computer. Where little thought gives me distractions. Where all my friends are. Where i can find my temporary smiles. It is also here. For in one way or another,i find it so hard to express my feelings. to open up to someone about how i truly feel. I fear. Besides, who would understand ?
Dedicated to you; unnamed
You know those people who you know for months, years - okays scrap it- more than a lifetime and you still don't know them, you cant get close to them ? well; you're one of them. I wonder why you are the way you do to me. I'm curious, but curiosity killed the cat. It might hurt, but its not like you hadn't before. Known you since we were 8? We had some good times.. didn't we? Because honestly, i can't recall any. None the less, we were always like water and fire. i don't know which one to tag each other as though. If you were fire, you'd always be the moody one. The more serious one. the one who always seemed to .. like fire? But if you were water, you always had this thing over me which made me quite rather intimidated. You know i always wanted an older brother? Too bad things don't ever work out the way you want or expect them to. My enemy? My hater? My friend? My brother? You can answer for both of us.----
You partially opened your blinds today; will there be a day when you pull them all the way? 050709.0000xx_.
nguggy
nguggy
030709.2234
Friday, July 3, 2009
i just want to truly be happy; to smile sincerely.
is that too hard to ask for??
is that too hard to ask for??
nothing is permenant; but change.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Beware...the world contains many laughter yet tears. joy and pain. celebration as well as mourning.
BEWARE.
for we are all conforming.
Conformity is the process by which an individual's attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors are influenced by other people. This influence occurs in both small groups and society as a whole, and it may be the result of subtle unconscious influences, or direct and overt social pressure. ?
the world is conforming and i don't know whether to laugh or cry about it. I adore daises. Like people, they are all the same yet different. We are all the same, we yearn for something. Love? Hope? Happiness? I guess i earn for smiles. All the daises are dying, disappearing whilst being replaced by such complicated breeds. But do not fret, for i shall plant some more.
---
I wanted to quest for my identity. I guess now i know; yet i don't know. Honestly, am I a bitch? I wont say I'm not, i'll let you judge for yourself. BACK to my thing... I guess what forms me is all the things people say about me. I've become what others expect. Am i letting myself down because others assume that i am not as capable as i truly am ? do i act like the happy vibrant child because people have always known of me to be that way ? I honestly don't know myself anymore. what do i want? how am i feeling?
i guess i can say that everyone has made me become what i am today, because i am no longer who i am, no longer 1, but someone who is formed from everyone?
---
im so stressed out, so tired- yet not bothered to make any changes. right now, i feel like my life is such a failure? subject selection. && can't make up my mind. im 15- stop giving me such decisions. im really bad at and with them. english assignment. need to get started, but things just seem to get in the way .
---
lalala ~ i want icecream , my post doesnt even make sense o.o
xx_.
nguggy
nguggy